


Burn My Lungs, Curse My Eyes

by uhmyeah



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anger, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Drug Withdrawal, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, References to Depression, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, theyre like. dating. without actually calling it that., theyre not dating officially but they do dating like things and both have feelings for each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-25 22:03:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16206566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhmyeah/pseuds/uhmyeah
Summary: "I've been trying to help him quit, though."or, the one where ashton helps calum quit smoking.





	1. Burn My Lungs, Curse My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I'm probably, hopefully, overdramatizing the whole calum smoking thing, but here it is. please take this as a FICTIONAL work, i'm not condoning smoking, im not saying it's good. this is just fiction. nothing more. the end is also grossly cheesy.

It started as something he would do only when he was stressed. Calum would go out for a quick smoke, release his nerves, put it out, and go back into the studio or bus or wherever and be fine. He would have a pack with him whenever he’d leave the house, but he would never have more than one or two a day. It was purely stress relief.

As time goes on, addiction progresses. One or two became three or four, and slowly he found himself smoking more times unstressed than stressed. Or maybe he was just more stressed? Calum could never figure that one out. He told himself it was because he was more stressed, though. He didn’t think it was an issue- it still isn’t a pack a day or anything, he’ll be fine. It isn’t like he’s an actual _addict_ , or anything.

Since the smoking occurred more often, he made sure there was a pack in his bedside table and one in his car that also took home in his jacket when he left the car, when he was at home. On tour, it was trickier. The boys all knew he smoked, but they didn’t want him to. He quickly found the best places to hide his packs; places the boys would never think to look in to steal them and throw them out. He’d have a pack under his bunk mattress tucked away in a dent in the wall, and he’d have a couple separate cigarettes in a toothbrush holder that was stowed away in the bottom of his suitcase under a torn piece of fabric from the lining of the back of the case. He hated hiding them, and he always felt so guilty about it, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Today…was awful, to say the least. They had to catch an early flight to get to a music festival in time and he woke up late, so his hot shower he and his tight muscles so desperately needed was cut short, and he nearly tripped on his way to security because his shoes were untied. Then, just as he had cleared his head on the flight, he headed to baggage claim and only one of his bags returned. He tried to talk to security about getting it back, but they claimed there was nothing they could do about it. Accepting his fate and that today was just going to be one of those days, he made his way over to the van that was waiting for him. Ashton beat him there, so he took his seat beside the drummer and let out a hefty sigh, rubbing his temples.

“You okay?” Ashton asks.

Calum looks up at him, exhausted.

“Need a smoke. Don’t have time, though.”

Ashton nods.

“I know you don’t wanna hear it, but you don’t need one. I’m not gonna lie and say I know where you’re coming from, because I don’t, but I know that you don’t need nicotine to make it through, Cal.” He says gently.

“That’s the thing, though. You don’t know where I’m coming from. It-I don’t know. It’s just a thing, for me. I don’t know. I need a smoke.”

Now, Michael and Luke come trudging into the van, piling in and hitting their heads on the top. They notice Calum’s distress, but when Ashton shakes his head at them, they leave it alone.

Once they drop their bags off at a hotel, Calum flops ungracefully into the large bed. His body begins drifting off almost immediately, that is until Ashton comes in and the door slams behind him. Calum just rolls onto his stomach and groans into a pillow.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“No. Yes. Kinda. I was like, half asleep. I’m exhausted.”

Ashton frowns.

“You look awful, mate.”

“Thanks.” Calum replies sarcastically.

Ashton snorts. He walks over to where Calum is laying.

“Are you okay? I mean, I know you’re not, but is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t know. It all feels kinda hopeless right now. Maybe that’s exhaustion talking, I don’t know. It’s a lot.” Calum responds.

“I know. Do you…” Ashton trails off.

“Need a smoke? More than anything. But, the best part is, wait for it…the bag that got lost had my last pack of cigs in it! Hell yeah!” Calum says, voice laced with sarcasm and exhaustion.

Ashton lays down beside Calum, rubbing his back.

“Maybe it’s for the better.”

“It isn’t. I mean, logically, I know it is, but. Not right now. Doesn’t feel like it.”

That night, after the show, they’re all pumped up on adrenaline and they’re bouncing around the backstage area. Calum finds himself doing celebratory shots with the boys and some of their tech guys. They eventually leave the venue and climb onto their bus. Michael and Luke go to their bunks, wishing Ashton and Calum goodnights. Ashton lays himself down across the length of the sofa across from Calum and lets out a content sigh as the last of both of their adrenaline trickles out. And just like that, silence.

It’s always moments like this where Calum finds himself lost in his head. He sometimes writes it off, or sleeps it off, but usually he just goes out for a quick smoke break. It’s been so long since he hasn’t had his pack readily available, but now he doesn’t have it. He feels himself falling into the darkness, letting his thoughts consume him. He realizes how badly he needs a cigarette, wonders if this is what withdrawals feels like, wonders if he could convince the driver to stop at a gas station so he could go in and buy a new pack, but then-

“Stop thinking so loud.” Ashton drawls out.

“Sorry.”

Ashton sits up, crossing the space to Calum and sitting beside him.

“I can feel how badly you wanna go smoke, Cal. You’re so tense.”

“Yeah, well.”

Ashton sighs and rubs Calum’s back.

“What’s wrong, Calum? Why are you so worked up all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I mean, yeah, my bag didn’t come but big fuckin’ deal, it was literally like. A pair of socks and shampoo. I think. I think it’s just…all. Everything. I feel like the weight that Luke felt when we just made it, like, the whole having to grow up overnight thing, I think that’s finally hitting me. Like, we aren’t 17 anymore, we aren’t nobody’s from Australia who wanna be Green Day. We, like, are real, and successful, and everything is just so fucking much. I know that’s why we took the break, to like, reflect and grow and stuff, but holy shit, it’s just now getting to me.”

Ashton nods.

“I get it. Kinda hits me too, sometimes. Especially after shows like tonight, where there’s a gazillion people singing our songs back at us. And I’m the drummer, I can only imagine what it must be like for you guys.”

Calum stops him.

“Hey, you’re just as important as the rest of us, don’t get yourself d- “

“Hush, this is about you. This is about you, and why you feel like shit, and how I can help you. I wanna help, Cal. I really do.”

“I know. I just don’t know how you can. If you can.” Calum says, mumbling the last bit, hoping Ashton wouldn’t hear him.

But he did. He always does.

“Calum, look at me.” Calum looks up. “I can help you. I promise. I’ll help you get over this.”

Calum nods.

“I’m exhausted, Ash. I need to sleep.”

Ash smiles.

“Go to bed, then. I’ll be here. Go rest.”

And with that, he’s off.

When he wakes, it’s to a still bus and a headache. His mind is clearer, though. Which is always good. He feels like he can actually smile today. That doesn’t stop him from searching under his mattress for a cigarette, out of habit, but understanding that he won’t find anything since he hasn’t replaced the pack.

Which is why he nearly jumps for joy when his fingers find a single cigarette. He gasps, smiling widely for a moment. He takes a mental note of its existence, keeping it there for another time. He keeps it as his own secret, not telling anyone else.

When he walks out, there is a plate of pancakes and a cup of coffee waiting for him beside Ashton.

“Morning. You look happier.” Ashton says quietly as Calum sits beside him.

He nods, taking a swig of coffee. Ashton smiles a big smile and ruffles his hair. Today is a good day, Calum decides.

However, one good day isn’t enough to hold him high forever. As time passes, he grows more and more needy for a smoke as his mood slowly deteriorates. His head is foggy more than it is clear, and his lungs burn for the scorching of the smoke. Ashton tells him not to buy a pack, though, and he can’t tell Ashton no or let him down, but he finds his way around it. He finds himself hanging out with other smokers, asking for a cigarette and keeping them stashed away in his pocket until he gets back to the bus so he can put them in their hiding place. Again, he hates hiding, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Which is how he got here, tonight. He’s leaning against the parked bus, in the winter air, smoking. He’s almost giddy with it, it’s been so long! He hasn’t smoked in a week! His giddiness doesn’t mask the ache in his bones enough, though. His heart feels heavy. He’s got his trusty cig, though, so he’s okay. He savors it, knowing that if he’s caught he’ll get a stern talking to. And, unfortunately, the bus door opened and shut. He sighs, knocking his head back against the metal.

“Calum?”

It’s Ashton, of course it’s Ashton. Why’d he have to be so caring?

“Why do you have to be so caring?” Calum says. “Sorry. That sounded really mean. You know how I meant it.”

Ashton smiles and nods, walking over to him. He doesn’t admonish him for smoking, though.

“I care because I love you, you know that.”

“I know I know that. Sorry. I was expecting a firm yelling at.” Calum says, taking another drag.

Ash moves closer.

After a beat of silence, he speaks up again.

“Why’d you start again?”

Calum’s heart shatters at the sadness laced in Ashton’s voice.

“I couldn’t not. It was like, killing me, that I wasn’t.”

“It’s killing you that you are.”

Calum is silent, taking in what Ashton said.

“Yeah.” Is all he could respond with.

The response lays heavy in the air for a long time, two drags worth. They never make eye contact.

“Do you want that?” Ashton asks, quietly, but seriously.

Calum thinks.

“No. Yeah. Sometimes.” He replies, taking a drag.

Ashton nods. Calum notices that he nods a lot.

“You nod a lot.” He laughs bitterly.

Ashton laughs too, same lack of humor.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.” Calum replies, softly, without any venom behind it, finally meeting Ashton’s gaze.

Eventually, though, Ashton begins again.

“How often?”

“How often what?”

“Do you wanna die? Or think about dying?”

Calum breathes out, takes a final drag, and stops out the rest.

“Um. I dunno-“

“Do you smoke to…”

“To kill myself? I… don’t think so. I just… do. I just smoke. It’s just a thing for me-“

“But it’s more than that. Going to the gym is a thing for me, but smoking isn’t like that for you. It’s like your life depends on it-“

“I’m not an addict, Ashton.” Calum says, defensive.

“I didn’t say you were. I’m saying that it isn’t a casual smoke anymore, for you. It’s a problem.”

“It isn’t. I can control my-“

“Can you? Where’d you get that cig from then?” Ashton asks.

Calum looks at him, eyes cold like the air around them.

“Why the fuck does it matter? It isn’t your lungs.”

“Yeah, but it’s my Calum. It’s the band’s bassist. It’s the fan’s idol and favorite to some. It’s your mom and dad’s son, and Mali’s brother. It’s Duke’s dad. You don’t have to tell me, it was a shitty thing to ask, and I’m sorry. But don’t think that you smoking doesn’t affect those of us around you because, holy shit Calum, we can’t lose you.”

Calum is silent. He reflects on the situation, how he got here, how he got the cigarettes. He realizes that maybe it is an issue, maybe he is an addict. He has a moment of ‘no I’m not’ because he doesn’t smoke like, 5 packs a day, but he has googled the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal, and he’s fit under almost every category. It’s a hard blow to the chest.

Suddenly, he just starts to cry. It’s like having this conversation is the wake up call he needed, and the heart to heart from a couple nights ago is still ever present in his mind. The walls just tumble down, the dam shatters, the world just falls down around him.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Ashton asks, his voice laced with a slight anxiety, moving closer, wrapping an arm around him.

Calum just cries more. Ashton hugs him, pulling him close and rubbing his back as he sobs against his shoulder.

The moment lasts for a good while. Calum just cries and pants against Ashton, and Ashton lets him. He combs his fingers through Calum’s hair, scratching his back gently, placing little kisses to his hair. Calum was hurting, badly, and Ashton had to fix it.

Once Calum’s calmed enough to speak, he doesn’t move, he stays close to Ashton, cold nose against a warm neck. Ashton notices the chill of his body, the shiver that could be from the last of his crying or from the cold but likely both.

“Back up for a minute. You’re freezing, take my hoodie.” Ashton says, pulling it over his head.

Calum accepts it, relishing in the warmth.

“I didn’t really notice the cold.”

“Huh? It’s literally, like, December in New York, how did you not notice?”

“Dunno. I was thinking too much to notice, I guess.” Calum replies, sniffing and rubbing his nose. “Can we go back in? I’m tired, but I wanna talk. Can we just, like, go back to your bunk and just huddle close like we used to?” Calum suggests, asking straight forwardly, but Ashton heard the uncertainty.

“Yeah, c’mon. In you go.”

They climb back in and shuffle back to Ashton’s bunk. Once settled, same position as the hug outside but now laying down, Calum speaks up.

“I miss mum.” Calum says against Ashton’s neck. “And Mali and dad. And home. I miss home. But I also, it’s weird, ‘cause it isn’t really home anymore, is it? I mean, it is, obviously, but we’re never there. I’m never there. They never see me. I’m, like, the luckiest guy in the entire fucking universe, but they’re still them. They didn’t hit the life lottery, they still live in the same house I grew up in, in the same neighborhood, in the same little city in Sydney. I’m out here, a really nice place in LA, like, huge fucking house compared to my old house, touring and living the absolute dream. I help them out as much as I can and I’m so thankful for them and I love them more than literally anything else in the world, but I’m not there. I left at such a young age and I was only home for, like, two days at a time and Christmas. I know they’re happy and proud of me, but, like, I know they miss me, and that makes it all worse. I need a hug from mum, and I need a smack on the back of my head from Mali, and I need my dad to just, like, open the house door and walk in and hear his footsteps and voice. I don’t know. I also just, like, wanna be the best son I can be, and I wanna have them be like ‘Yeah, my son is great.’, but. I don’t know. I feel like the proudness that comes from seeing your kid sell out Wembley or see him on tv is a different proud than like, the one where you get a pay raise, or have a kid, I don’t know. It feels, like, superficial, in a way. If that makes sense. Not fake, but, like…”

“Different.” Ashton supplies.

“Yeah.”

“I mean, listen. I get it. I’m gonna miss Lauren’s graduation because we’re in the states, and I miss mum’s cooking, and I miss just like. Hanging out with my family. I miss my dog. I miss my room, and the smell of the house, all that. I hate not being there. It’s literally tearing me to shreds that I won’t be there for Lauren, but, it’s life. Ours were kinda handed on a platter to us, y’know? Like, obviously we worked our asses off for them, but. We didn’t have to go to college and like. Create our lives. We just kinda rolled with the punches, and Louis found us, and here we are. It sucks how much we’re away, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I miss my family back home, but you guys are family enough, yeah?”

Calum nods.

“Yeah.” He whispers. “Can I, like, say something really heavy and incredibly terrifying for me and you like, just give a yes or no answer to it?”

“Yeah, yeah, go for it. I’m here.” Ashton replies.

Calum takes in a deep breath.

“It’s okay for you to say no, please remember that.” Another deep breath. “I wanna quit, Ash. I wanna stop. God, fuck, it feels so fucking terrible, but I know I need to and I know that it’s killing me, but I’d rather die from, like, my eardrum exploding on stage from the volume of the crowd than from disintegrated lungs. It’s gonna super fucking suck, so I need help, y’know? Would you-are you-do you feel like you could, like, help me? Quit?” Calum says, scratching at his cuticles anxiously.

The air feels like it’s rapidly heating up and about to poof out of existence.

“Always. Of course I will, Cal. Of course, c’mere, of course I will.” Ashton says, pulling Calum in closer.

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. I’m proud of you, Cal. This is really good.”

Calum snorts.

“Really good? Thanks.”

“Shut up, you. How do you wanna start?”

Calum snuggles his nose further into the crook of Ashton’s neck.

“By sleeping.”

Ash laughs quietly, nodding.

“Good first step. Night, Calum.”

“Mmm, night. Thank you.”

The next morning, when Calum wakes up in Ashton’s arms, he feels like he’s won the lottery. He loves cuddling Ashton. He shuts his eyes again, settling into the blankets more. He doesn’t fall back asleep, he just relaxes. Finally, he thinks to himself.

Ashton wakes up and instinctively pulls Calum closer. It jostles his thoughts away and makes his eyes open. He smiles sleepily at Ashton, who smiles sleepily back.

“Morning.” Calum says.

“Good morning. How’re you feeling?” Ashton asks, voice rough from sleep.

“I’m really good. Do you still wanna help me quit?”

Ashton yawns, nodding.

“Mmhm. I’m gonna help you. Thank you for letting me.”

“I trust you, I like you, it isn’t that much. Thank you for agreeing.” Calum replies, snuggling in again.

“So. Plan?” Ashton asks, settling his head against the top of Calum’s.

“I guess step one would be getting rid of everything. Yikes.”

“Hey, it’s okay, we can do this. You can do this.” Ash says, rubbing Calum’s back soothingly.

“Thank you.” Calum says, absentmindedly placing a peck to Ashton’s chest.

“Did you just kiss my chest?” Ashton laughs.

“Did I? Sorry, felt like the moment was right.”

“It’s fine. It was sweet. Do you wanna get up and eat then toss everything, or toss then eat?”

“Oof, jumping right into it, then. Um, eat…first? Then later when Mike and Luke go record we can clean?”

“Sounds good. I’ll make toast.” Ashton says.

“A true 5-star breakfast.” Calum replies, sarcastically.

“I might even make coffee.” Ashton says again, smiling.

“Woah there, don’t outdo yourself. We aren’t serving the Queen.”

“Yeah, but we’re serving a King.” Ashton quips.

“That was disgustingly cheesy and I take it back, I don’t like you anymore.”

“Who says I was talking about you?”

“The hand that made it’s way to my hips when you said it.” Calum says back.

Ashton smiles and pulls him closer again, pressing a small kiss to his hair.

“I’d say sorry but I’m not.”

“I know you’re not.”

After a while passes, Calum speaks up from the warm comfort of Ashton’s neck.

“So, are we ever gonna get up?”

Ashton sighs, smiling.

“Guess we should. Don’t wanna. Wanna stay here. You need to come in here more, it gets lonely, man.”

“Yeah, maybe I will. You’re warm. And it’s been so long since we last slept together.”

“C’mon, let’s get up. I’ll make breakfast for the King. You just come out and sit and look pretty.”

Calum hops out first, stretching his back and popping the hood of Ashton’s hoodie up onto his head.

When he walks into the front of the bus, Ashton is there, holding a coffee out to him. He smiles and takes it in his hoodie-covered hands.

Ashton pouts.

“Why do you look so cute? What the fuck, it’s like, 9 am and you’re so cute.” Ashton blabbers.

Calum just smiles up at him from the edge of the coffee cup.

“It’s the eyes.” He jokes.

“It is. And your fluffy bed hair poking up from under the hood of my hoodie, which in itself is causing great amounts of turmoil because I love that hoodie but you look so cute in it. I’m a good guy, why am I being punished like this?” Ashton moans in fake annoyance.

“Oh, shut up, come sit with me. Love having you pressed up beside me.”

After a few moments, pressed close together, Calum’s brows furrow and he makes a face.

“What’s’it?” Ash mumbles.

“We’re so gross, I literally just said I loved having you pressed beside me and you said a billion times how cute I was.”

“Hush, it’s true. Cashton is the love duo.” Ashton giggles out, resting his head on Calum’s shoulder.

Calum laughs for a moment.

“Please never say that again.”

The two stay like that for a bit, making small talk between each other, but otherwise resting against the other. They check their emails on their phones and reply to a couple tweets, embracing the silence together.

“So. You ready?” Ashton asks, getting up.

“To clean out? No. But we have to, yeah?”

Ashton nods, taking Calum’s hand within his own and rubbing the skin with his thumb before walking them to Cal’s bunk.

“It’s okay. We can go at your tempo.” Ashton says gently.

“Usually it’s us following your tempo, this is a nice change of scenery.” Calum jokes.

“Where do you keep them?”

This was it, a secret being told. It was scary.

“Uh, couple places. There’s a dent in the wall under my mattress. There’s a couple there.” Calum says nervously.

“Are you gonna grab them or do you want me to?”

“Could you? Actually, no, just help me move the mattress and I will. Grab a garbage bag, please?”

When Ash comes back, he helps Calum move the bed. Once done, he holds the bag open and gives a reassuring smile. Calum takes the small handful of cigarettes and drops them in the bag. Ashton grins widely at him and helps him move the mattress back.

“Anywhere else?”

“No, uh. The other place I kept them on tour was in the bag stolen. That was the stash I had.”

“You sure?”

Calum nods and makes an affirming noise.

Ashton smiles and pulls him into a hug.

“Step one, done. Step two, help you through it. Here’s how I want that to work, okay? When you weren’t smoking, did you get withdrawals?”

“Yeah, I think. Not sure though.”

“Okay. Whenever you start feeling, like, sick, come to me and I’ll get you meds or whatever. If you get, like, the whole ‘if I don’t smoke right now I’m going to run into traffic’ feeling, again, come to me. For everything, just come to me. You can try Mike and Luke, but you know them. I’m gonna be here every step of the way, okay?”

Calum nods, stepping back into his arms.

“Thank you.” He murmurs against Ashton’s shoulder.

A few nights pass and Calum, for the most part, is doing really good. He has a couple times where he wants a cig, but nothing he can’t handle. That is, until tonight.

It’s just been shit. Everything has just been shit. He couldn’t get his parts right in a song, and he was worthless in writing anything because he couldn’t focus. His fingertips hurt from playing the same riff over and over and over until he finally got it right. He’s tired, and sad, and he just wants a smoke and a night in with Ashton. He can have only one though.

So, he gets to the hotel room, hops in the shower to relieve some of the tension in his body, then climbs into bed beside Ashton. Ash smiles at him, wrapping an arm around his hips.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Ash.” Calum says, letting his eyes flutter shut where he’s laying against Ashton’s chest.

“How are you?”

“Fuckin terrible, if I’m honest. Just wanna sleep until I can wake up and play bass again.”

Ashton laughs out a short sound.

“You already can. It’s just an off day.”

“Off days fuckin’ suck. It sucks even more ‘cause I can’t even smoke to chill out for a second. God, this sucks.” Calum groans.

Ashton frowns, rubbing Calum’s hip.

“’s okay. You’re okay. Off days do fucking suck, but everyone has them. Remember that time when I literally couldn’t keep time at all, even with the click? Yeah. Off day. But you’re okay. And you don’t need to smoke. You’ve got me, and you’ve got a bottle of water that’s calling your name in the fridge. I think I also saw a marathon of The Bachelorette we could watch. At least you’re not competing with 20 other people for love.”

Calum chuckles.

“Yeah. That would super suck.”

“So. Sound like a good night?”

“Mmhmm. Only if we can stay like this and you don’t mind me sleeping on you.”

“Why would I mind?”

“Dunno. Have you ever heard someone’s voice in their chest? It’s super cool. Yours, like, it sounds so nice. All deep and stuff. Your voice is amazing, never stop talking.”

Ashton just giggles.

“Are you feeling better already?”

“Not quite. I’m getting there. Thank you again.”

For the most part, that’s how those nights turn out. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s better. Unfortunately, tonight was one of the worse.

“Ashton, fucks sake, let me go-“Calum says, struggling against Ashton.

“No, I can’t. You wanted help, I’m helping. Calm down.”

“This isn’t-fucking-Ashton-“

“Stop, calm down. Breathe in. You don’t need it. Calm down.”

“Yes I fucking do! Leave me alone, Ash! I’m a fucking adult, go away, let me fucking smoke, fuck!” Calum yells, trying to remove himself from Ashton’s vice grip.

“I’m not letting go, you’re just gonna end up hurting yourself-“

“Maybe that’s what I want! Let me the fuck go Ashton!”

Ashton’s arms were hurting, his back throbbing from the far from full power but still hard punches Calum was throwing. It was worth it, he needed to help. It didn’t really even hurt that bad, it was fine.

“It isn’t what you want, this is all withdrawals, c’mon, come with me.”

“Ash, fucks sake, stop! I just wanna fucking-“

“I know, come with me, come on.” Ashton says, tugging on Calum.

They sit, Ashton’s hands gripping Calum’s tightly. He’s been able to calm down some, but he’s still fuming a little.

“Ash, please, hurts”

“I know, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

“I’m fucking not, god, it hurts so bad, please, I can’t fucking breathe.” Calum says, tears welling in his eyes.

Ashton pulls him into a hug, Calum crying against his shoulder.

“Ash please, need a smoke, let me smoke, please, need it”

“You don’t, it’s okay. You don’t need to smoke.”

“Yes, I do, I do, I promise, I’m not lying, I’d never lie to you, please. It hurts, my body hurts, my lungs hurt, please.”

“I can’t, you know I can’t.”

“You can, I don’t wanna be clean anymore, stop, please, I don’t wanna be clean if it feels like this.”

Ashton’s heart is progressively breaking more and more. He hates this, every fucking second of it.

“Yes you do. You told me yourself. You asked me to help you. I’m helping. You’re okay, it’s okay. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come, Calum, I’m so proud. I’m always gonna be here, I’m always gonna be right here, I’m gonna help you get over this. You’re gonna make it out alive, okay?”

Calum nods, body shaking, tears coming to a stop.

“Ashton, bed, please? Need you, need sleep, please.” Calum mumbles.

Once they get settled and in their sleep clothes, Calum drifts off against Ashton’s bare chest. It’s only for a little bit, because later in the night, he wakes back up and Ash is still up. He whines, he hasn’t been sleeping well at all recently.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

“Ash, I just wanna sleep, I’m so tired. My eyes are burning, I just wanna be able to sleep.”

Ashton strokes through Calum’s hair.

“It’s the withdrawals, love. I’m so sorry. I wish I could make them stop.”

Calum yawns, sniffling.

“I’m gonna try to sleep again. See you in like, 10 minutes. Love you.”

“Love you too. Sleep well.”

Luckily, when he wakes up, its actually morning. He opens his eyes and smiles down at Ashton. He places a couple kisses on his chest, and Ash wakes up.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Calum responds.

There’s a light streaming in. Ashton turns onto his side, and Calum can see the beginning of a bruise on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. About last night. And your body. I didn’t mean to hit you that hard. Fuck, I’m so sorry, god. Are you okay?”

Ashton nods.

“Its just a couple bruises and scrapes. It just looks like I fell out of a tree or something. It doesn’t really even hurt. It’s okay.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Next time just like, smack me in the head if it hurts.”

“I will not be doing that, but I’ll get a lot more defensive if it does. If there’s a next time.

“Yeah. I’m feeling good, Ash. Like, I feel kinda human. I dunno.”

Ashton smiles.

“I’m so glad to hear that. Good day?”

“Let’s hope.”

As it turns out, it was a very good day. Everything went right, for the most part. He held Ashton’s hand when they were travelling from place to place in the van and was able to catch a couple minutes of sleep with his head against Ashton’s shoulder.

Days like that slowly became weeks, then months, until it was almost like the bad days didn’t exist anymore. He’s the happiest he’s ever been. While he still gets the craving for nicotine every now and then, he can handle it. If he can’t, he goes to Ashton and they talk it out.

He told his family first, and his mom cried. Then he told Michael and Luke, and they told him how proud they were, and that they were happy for him. He told the fans, and for the most part they showed support.

His thing with Ashton is better than ever, and he’s so happy for the first time in what feels like forever. He’s proud of himself. He’s proud of Ashton. He’s proud to say that he’s Calum Hood, former smoker, bassist for 5 Seconds of Summer, and the happiest guy in the world.


	2. valntyne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You know, growing more and more in love with someone was something that was happening to one or two of us at the time."
> 
> or, the happier ending to part one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone commented on part one to make a part two where they get together, so here we go! i wasn't planning on basing it on valentine, but. thanks to mukesprincess on here for the idea!

The two had been dancing around it forever. Sure, they’d always been close, but they both had a yearning for something greater, more intimate, than just friendship. They both craved the affection and attention that came with a romantic relationship. It didn’t really harm the two, though, because they were so used to repressing the feelings they shared for each other that it became more normal to not imagine holding hands and being romantic with the other, than it was to have those thoughts. However much they wanted each other, they just repressed it. It worked out fine, until.

They went into the studio to write and record a song or two for the new album. It was Valentine’s day, everything was pink and red and sugar coated. Calum woke up to a big ol’ kiss from his one true love, Duke. He rolled his eyes at the irony and ruffled Duke’s ears before getting up and making his way to the studio. Ashton woke up to a warm cocoon of blankets and about twenty pillows. It took a lot to leave that, but he had a song to record, and duty calls.

The two arrived around the same time, sitting together on a couch. They greeted each other gently, smiling brightly, as if they were already married with three kids. Luke told them that. Calum flipped him off.

“Right. It’s Valentine’s day, lads. Let’s write a love song.” Ashton suggests.

“Really? Full into the stereotype today? Want me to go get you a teddy bear with a big heart?” Calum teased.

“If you did, I wouldn’t turn it down.”

“Yeah, he’d add it to the nine thousand pillows he has.” Luke quips, picking up a guitar. “I’m down though. We’ve like, a billion heartbreak songs for this record, though. It needs to be, like, I dunno. Not sad.”

Calum nods.

“Yeah, no more sad ones, at least for now.” He adds. “Let’s do a stupid one. Let’s make it, like, super playing into the stereotype of today. Like, chocolate eclairs, teddy bears, the whole shebang”

Ashton barks out a laugh, Luke following suit.

“’Shebang’? What are you, 40?” Ash jokes.

“Alright, Grandpa.” Calum jokes back.

Luke just rolls his eyes.

“There was chocolate mint creamer in the kitchen, I’m gonna go try it in coffee. You guys want anything?” Luke says, getting up and heading out.

Ashton and Calum both say no. Luke nods and leaves.

“So. How’d you wanna do this?” Ashton asks.

“What kinda vibe are we going for?”

“I dunno. There’s like, super poppy and lovey. Or we could just go full heavy metal. There’s also, like, we could go sensual? Like, heavy, leading bass line and like, deep vocals?” Ashton supplies.

“I feel like we should do something we don’t normally do. Like, we always do the poppier stuff, kinda. As much as I want to do heavy metal just so I can watch Luke and Michael screech into their mics every night and see their vocal cords, like, deteriorate, I’m super intrigued by the sensual idea. I think it would be a really cool idea to play with that. Kinda show that side of us. But let’s not, like, straight up be like ‘let’s fuck’, y’know?” Calum says, kicking his feet onto a table.

“Damn, I really wanted to just be like ‘sex is the best bro’ in it. I’m sure it would appeal to the younger audience. But, yeah. So, like, you good with having a super leading bass line?”

“’Course. I’ve already got an idea in mind. We can work from there.” Cal says, getting up to grab a bass.

Luke walks back in with his coffee as Calum sits down.

“Hey, we’re going with a sensual vibe for the song. Leading bass line, deep vocals, stuff like that. That sound good?” Ash asks, filling Luke in.

Calum tunes the bass. He then figures out what the key in his head is, and plays a couple notes in question before settling.

“Sounds sick.” Luke replies, sipping his coffee. “This sucks. Don’t use the creamer.” He grimaces.

“Cool. You good?” Ash asks Calum.

“Mmhmm. Yeah. I’m just, like, here.” Calum replies, beginning to play.

They sit in silence, listening.

When Calum finishes, he looks up.

“Something like that? I was hearing, like, a synth-y thing over it.”

Ashton and Luke grin, nodding.

“That sounded sick. That’s, like, exactly what I was hearing.” Ashton said.

“Yeah, Calum, man, that was really good. Let’s keep that. What do we wanna do with vocals?” Luke asks.

“Deep. Kinda sultry? Sensual, if that makes sense.” Ash replies.

“Cool, yeah, I like that. Wanna work on lyrics? I’ve gotta bounce early, apparently. Mike needed someone to pick him up from the dentist.”

“Yeah, you go, we’ll write. Have fun.”

Luke nods and leaves again, wishing the duo good luck.

“Okay, I know we said no fucking is allowed on the track, but like. Sex is totally a stereotype of the holiday, and it’s a sensual song. We’d be morons not to allude to it.” Ashton says.

“I mean, yeah. Let’s do it, but like, in a classy way.”

“’I want to make love’ instead of ‘let’s fuck’. Got it.”

Calum snorts, playfully punching Ashton.

“Shut up, not what I meant.”

Ashton just smiles.

They both write in separate notebooks. They sit in silence, scribbling words and marking some out. Occasionally, they look up into space and meet the other’s eye, seeing a spark in one of them when then get inspired. When they both can’t come up with anything else, they begin talking.

Ashton begins.

“Okay. Here we go, I guess.” Ashton begins, reading off the lyrics without a melody.

_I love the light in your eyes, the dark in your heart._

_You love the chase, the bite in my bark._

_We’re classic together, we’re Egyptian gold._

_We love us._

“…and then, like, a pre-chorus then chorus?” Ash finishes.

Calum’s eyes are glimmering. He’s smiling. Ashton’s heart definitely doesn’t melt.

“I love that. That’s really good. I wrote something kinda similar, or like, something that would fit it really well, I think.”

_You’re so deep your DNA’s being messed with my touch._

_So real, we’re fueling the fire until we combust._

_Can’t touch us._

_It don’t matter, be my sweet cherry pie._

“…yeah, I dunno about the last one. But.”

“No, no, the last one, I really like that. What if it’s followed with like,”

_It don’t matter, just let me have all you tonight._

“…or something?”

Calum grins, nodding rapidly.

“Yeah, yeah. Love that. It would work as your pre-chorus too.”

The two come up with a melody. They go through a few rounds of trial and error, before finally settling on one.

“We still need a chorus. Maybe a bridge. I actually had an idea for the bridge, and I think Luke would sound fuckin’ awesome doing it.” Ashton says.

“What is it?”

“Okay, uh,”

_Full plate, don’t wait, have your cake and eat it too._

“…but, like, kinda slur ‘full plate’ and make it sound like ‘foreplay’, so it’s like that double entendre, sorta.”

Calum raises his eyebrows, smirking.

“Yeah? I really love that, Ash. It’s classy and also, like, aesthetically sexual, but very lowkey. Fuck, that’s so good.”

Ashton smiles.

“Thanks, mate. Wanna try for the chorus?”

Calum nods.

They work silently for a couple minutes.

“Okay, so, here. I don’t, like, have the beginning, but I think this could be a cool end,” Ashton begins.

_Throw your balloons and chocolate eclairs away,_

_Got nothing but love for you,_

_Valentine._

“…again, that’s the end. I dunno.”

Calum nods, smiling, going into his.

_I can take you out,_

_We can kill some time or stay home._

_I fall more in love every day._

“…and like, that could be the start, then add yours in after it, and maybe put the ‘fall more in love’ line after the ‘got nothing but love’ line? I think what you wrote was really good, by the way. It played into the whole stereotype really well. Maybe instead of saying ‘your’, we take it out and add in ‘teddy bears’ before chocolate eclairs? ‘Throw balloons, teddy bears, and the chocolate eclairs away’?” Calum suggests.

“Yeah, yeah, I like that. This is gonna be sick, man.”

The two scribble out a finalized version of the lyrics. They write and record the final bass line before going home.

“Wanna come chill at my place tonight? We can eat disgusting amounts of food to stuff the loneliness in our hearts since we’re single. I can’t believe both Luke _and_ Michael are dating someone this year.” Ashton suggests.

“Yeah, I’m down. And I know, tell me about it. It’s crazy.” Calum replies, hopping in his car.

“I’ll be a few minutes after you, I’m gonna get a bunch of chips and maybe a pizza. I won’t leave you hanging, sweetcheeks.” Calum says.

Ashton’s cheeks briefly feel like they’re on fire, but he laughs it off.

“Okay, don’t be too late, sugarplum.” Ash jokes back.

When Calum arrives, he is, quite literally, wobbling with the weight of the food he brought.

Ashton laughs at him, helping him set the pizza boxes and drinks and chips and whatever else he bought in the kitchen. Calum goes back out to his car to grab his wallet and something for Ashton. He returns, arms suspiciously behind his back.

“Got you something. Here.” He says, presenting the elder with a giant teddy bear.

“Calum! I was joking!” Ashton laughs. “But thank you.”

“Consider it a gift from one lonely shit to another. Now, what do you wanna watch?”

The two settle down and eat their weight while watching a multitude of rom coms, ending with _Titanic._

“Would you save me if we were on a boat that was sinking?” Calum asked.

“Yeah.” Ashton replies in a heartbeat. “Would you save me?”

Calum looks at him, a serious glint in his eye, hiding something.

“Always.” He replies honestly.

They maintain eye contact for a couple seconds before they get startled out of it by a loud sound from the movie. The two turn back, Ashton slowly cuddling into the giant bear.

“Why are you cuddling that when I’m here?” Calum asks, startling himself, but not turning away from the screen. Where the fuck had that come from?

Ashton’s eyes widen for a moment, turning quickly towards Calum.

“I mean-yeah? Is that okay?”

“Only if I’m big spoon, you fucking Cancer.”

Ashton grins and flips so he’s in front of Calum.

“Thank you, dear Aquarius.”

The two sit in silence, watching the movie and paying it deep attention. Eventually, nearing the end, Ashton starts to tear up. A single tear fell, goddammit.

“Ash, are you crying?” Calum asks in amusement.

“Shut up, I’m a Cancer.” Ash sniffs.

Calum laughs quietly, tightening his hold on the older man, pulling him closer and rubbing his side comfortingly.

Calum tears up eventually, and his eyes stay welled up for a good fifteen minutes, but he’ll be damned if Ashton ever finds out. When the movie ends, the two just stay how they are. No one makes a move to cut on a new movie. Nothing. They’re both lost in their own thoughts, in the moment, in the fact that there’s this tension in the air that neither is willing to break or speak up about. That is, until they do.

“Cal?”

“Mm?”

“Can we, like, talk, for a sec?” Ashton says, sitting up.

“Yeah, shoot.”

“So, like, first of all. There’s so much tension in this room I can barely breathe, so there’s that. But. Like. I…like you? Like, super like. Maybe love, I think. I promise I’m not just saying this ‘cause I’m a lonely, hopeless romantic on Valentine’s day, too. I…really like you, a lot.” Ashton babbles.

Calum smiles at him.

“I like you too. It’s so cliché. I hate us. This is disgusting. But for real, I like you a lot too. Ash, you’ve helped me with so much and I’ve always had this feeling for you and I never really knew what it was until I did, and then I repressed it to the point where it was more normal not liking you than it was to like you. Fuck, you helped me quit, Ash, you saw me at my literal worst. But you stayed with me. And you continued helping me. I don’t really know how to pay you back for that, but-“

“You don’t have to. It was something that needed to be done, and it was killing me seeing you kill yourself like that. I worried so much about you. I didn’t wanna bring it up because I know stuff like that is touchy, but I was. You’ve always meant the world to me, but not in the cliché way. You, like, are this…thing…that got put into my life and it’s kinda like, a soulmate thing? I feel like we were destined to meet, not necessarily for dating, but like. Just to have in our lives. I feel like you were meant to be in my life in one way or another. I’m…hoping…you’ll wanna date me. But it’s fine if you don’t.”

“Ashton, you idiot, of course I will. I literally, like, was dying in the studio earlier because I was writing about you and you looked so fucking good today, and like, my heart was busting a nut. It’s really gross how much I love you, honestly.” Calum says, blushing slightly.

Ashton laughs, pulling Calum closer to him. Their faces are so close they can feel the other breathing.

“It’s fine, I was doing the same. So was my heart. You’re so…there’s something really attractive in you when you’re in the studio, or on stage. You’re in your element and I’m dying the whole time.” Ashton whispers.

“Yeah, I’m the same way. You should see yourself, holy shit. It’s so attractive.” Calum smiles, whispering back.

After a few moments of silence, foreheads pressed together and smiles on their lips, Ashton speaks up.

“Can I kiss you?”

Calum, somehow, smiles wider.

“What’re you waiting for?”

When their lips meet, it’s almost immediately over, they’re both smiling too big to actually kiss. They pull away for a moment, laughing, trying to calm down.

“Okay, take two.” Ashton says, leaning in again.

This time, it’s a lot smoother. Their lips glide slowly against each other, eyes shut tightly, both sets of hands floundering for a few seconds before finding their home; Ashton’s on Calum’s waist and in his hair, and Calum’s on Ashton’s neck and jaw. They kiss for what feels like eternity, but was actually only a couple minutes. They pull away eventually, resting their foreheads together.

To break the serene silence, Ashton’s stomach grumbles. They both break out into laughter.

“I guess I’m hungry.” Ashton jokes.

Calum’s eyes darken slightly, but gain a mischievous glimmer.

“What’re you thinking?” Ashton asks.

Calum just leans in, slowly, but deeply, kissing Ashton. He pulls away, walking off, leaving a confused Ashton.

A few moments later, Ashton gets a text.

“dont wait, have your cake, come eat it. xo”

Ashton’s brain shuts down.

Then, as if the message wasn’t clear, another text comes.

“in case u didnt catch on, im in ur bed. im the cake. ur pillows are comfy. hurry up xxx”

Ashton’s heart swells. His dick also throbs for a second. His boy.


End file.
